We made the hardest decision of my life yesterday.

We decided that it would be best all around to have Missy put down. Our vet agreed with us because of Missy's unusual sensitivity in her skin even on the scruff of her neck which is usually not sensitive at all and the fact that the insulin shots and the resulting strain on us and Missy was not good for any of us. We took her in and had a long talk with the vet explaining her reactions to getting the needle (he had first hand knowledge of her sensitivity) then told him that to have her put down would be the most humane thing to do and he agreed saying that she wouldn't understand why someone who has been so good to her would be putting her through so much pain every day. She was becoming cross and starting to nip at us if we put our hands near her neck. We were unable to give her the shot the day before because of her violent reaction to getting the needle and the resulting bending of the needle tip when we tried to get it into her. We said our goodbyes and both of us broke down and I'm still in mourning for our sweet little girl. Even though we knew it was for the best it's still tearing my heart out. It will be a long time before we ever get another dog, if ever. Thank goodness we have our cat Penny to help ease the pain somewhat although she's getting old too (she's 10 years old and an outside cat).

Giving Missy her shots has become a major stress all around

We are at the end of our ropes with giving Missy her shots. She has refused to allow us to do it and today the needle got bent because she struggles so violently when we try to give her the shots. Her skin is abnormally tender, her skin is very taught causing it to be difficult to pinch the skin to raise it up for the shot and the vet has said that he has never had a dog mind having a shot in the scruff of it's neck like Missy minds having one in hers. She even yelps when you pinch the skin gently in between your fingers. If it was just giving her the shots and she tolerated it there would be no problem but we are stressing all the way around now and we have to make a difficult decision tomorrow about whether we are prepared to continue on with it or let her go. She can't not have her insulin and I don't know if the stress we are putting her though and us through means that she will have any quality of life.

My back/hip has increased in pain because of the stress and I'm ending up having to take more Demerol as a result and I think I might be developing an ulcer. If we do decide to put her down it will devastate us both but if we don't what kind of a life is that for us as well. It may seem like we are selfish but I don't see it that way.. we gave it a good go at trying to do this for her sake. It just didn't work out.

Just a little addition to the previous post

Just a little addition to the previous post.. I know before if I ever heard of anyone who had an animal the was diabetic I thought (I'd never give an animal insulin shots.. I'd put the animal down first).... ahhhh the old "NEVER"... famous last words... lol

Our Missy has diabetes

Missy has been feeling unwell now for a couple of weeks and has been throwing up.. so yesterday we took her to the vet and had blood tests run. The vet thought it was diabetes with the possibility of Cushings Disease because of some of the symptoms.. Poor Missy had to have a muzzle put on her so that she wouldn't bit the nurse of doctor when they took a vial of blood out of her little skinny leg.. she looked like she was going to smother because she couldn't get her mouth open to pant and dogs don't do well with breathing through their noses.. When I got home yesterday I was beside myself with being upset.. the tests for the Cushings are very expensive (200 to 300 dollars just for the tests) and since I'm laid off on sick unemployment we were thinking that we would have to have her put down if it came to having to have multiple, expensive tests done on her..

This morning..

We had her to the vet this morning to have her first insulin shot and to have an antibiotic because she had a fever yesterday and from talking with the vet for an hour (and this is a Sunday to boot.. he had to go in and tend to the animals in the clinic so got us to go in and he charged us the regular visit fee) and I'm feeling a lot better about it... the threat of Cushings Disease is not looming over us as much.. he seemed to think that her diabetes is the main problem.. poor little Missy was just vibrating with fear when we took her in because of yesterday's experience.. but she took the needles well and now we have her home.. we have to give her a shot once a day because it's the slow release kind and he started her on a low dose for a few days to see how she tolerates it.. her blood sugars were more than double what they should be so she is definitely a diabetic... he said her liver is effected but hopes it will start functioning better once the insulin takes effect.

So hopefully she will return to a more normal life once everything levels out.. I guess at first Ron will have to give her her insulin shots but I will have to get over my fear of needles so that I can giver her her shot if he's not around.

My back is just killing me this morning and I had to take a Demerol when we got home because of the pain.. stress will tend to make my back worse and this morning and yesterday were BIG stress inducers..

Turn Around is Fair Play

Our cat Penny has a new way to torture our dog Missy. Missy is getting old and has a hard time maneuvering the stairs and takes a few moments to get started so usually I go upstairs first and know that she will be along in a few seconds.. but lately she's been standing at the bottom of the stairs and whining and when we go and look, here's Penny laying fully across the third or fourth step so that Missy can't get past her.. she gets really pissed off when we tell her to move too.. I have to say here that Missy has been chasing Penny since we got her almost so I guess this is Penny's way of getting to the top of the pecking order (literally).

More on the home front

First off, my doctor put me off of work for another two months until I get back to see the specialist. So I've had to apply for sick unemployment to carry my through until then. That must have been the hardest decision that I've had to make in my life. I was so stressed out about it that I got two huge cold sores on my mouth. Not a pretty sight but at least I'm not out and about much for people to see it.. lol. I had used up all of my sick time at work so if I took any more time off I would have to do it without pay and every morning now I wake up in pain and need to take Demerol so I can't function taking that. So here I sit..

My items are selling well at Renderosity, especially my wolves and my mind is bursting with other possible things to sell. I really love the whole concept and hope that I can come up with stuff that people will want to buy.

I went in for what I thought was an MRI on Monday but it turns out it was a bone scan instead. The machine that took the scan was all open on the sides so no fear of becoming claustrophobic the actual MRI on my lumbar spine on March the 3rd with an appointment with the specialist on the 16th to get my results. So my options are, go on long term disability, get fixed up or retire..

Missy had her haircut..

We braved the cold to take Missy in for her haircut.. we made sure we brought her little knitted sweater with us so that she would be warm afterwards.. at first she was a little miffed at us but now she's much better... Here's a before and after picture and a picture taken of her with her boyfriend Lovett who lives just down the street..








There's a story that goes with Missy and Lovett.. When we first got Missy, when we took her for a walk down the road, she'd growl at Lovett when he would come out to greet us. Lovett is so friendly and has been in love with Missy from first sight. I don't know all the detail of Missy before we got her but I don't think that she was socialized much with other dogs... she's usually very passive with other dogs on their property (don't let them come near HER property tho'..lol).. but with Lovett she wouldn't tolerate him, even on his property and she's growl at him and generally be a bitch... lol... But eventually she would put up with his smelling her and inviting her to play with an aloof indifference while Lovett would be all happy, bouncing love dog..

Gradually she got that she even would give him a tail wag and an occasionally a bark hello. Now I think that she's in love with him too.. she runs to greet him and races with him around the clay track where we walk (Lovett's owner has a clay track where they exercise their race horses).. It's so good to see Missy finally know how to play with another dog. So when we finally get back to see him she'll be able to show off her new haircut. Lovett will fall in love all over again...

Working on another product for my store

I have the angel wings and now the foxes in the store at Renderosity and I can put one more thing in there as well so I decided that I would do up some wolves. I'm going to have a total of 10 wolf figures like this one attached and I was trying to decide between $8.00 and $10.00 per pack and decided to split the difference and charge $9.00... I've had some good response on them so far where I showed them in a group I belong to.. So if I can make some extra pocket change then that would be great..

Got a haircut...

I picked today, the coldest day of the winter so far to get a haircut. My hair had gotten really long and since I have a short neck I find that shorter hair suits me better... also my hair is painfully fine so any kind of sweeping, french braid type hairstyle lays so flat against my head that it looks like my hair is painted on.. not a good look. Since my back/hip has been bothering me for so long I have lost interest in dying my hair to cover the grey so I had been letting it grow out. So all the artificial color is now gone and I gotta admit that there isn't THAT much grey ... just a little bit on my left bangs and the temple on that side (odd I know but then again I'm odd) so I don't see a need to dye my hair in the near future.. maybe I'll give that up for a while..

And we have an appointment to get our little poodle, Missy's hair cut tomorrow.. we're taking her little winter jacket with us because it's supposed to be another bitterly cold day tomorrow with a wind chill factor of -40 degrees celcius... brrrr... but she's getting matted and so we decided to invest in a clip and a shampoo tomorrow for her.. As she's getting older she minds going to the groomer more than she did when she was a bit younger... we all get grouchy when we get older...

Well I now have a storefront at Renderosity

This is so exciting.. just click the link and you can see my store (as of this moment I only have one item in there but hope to have the second in there soon)... my store front ... they have a half a million customers so hopefully I can make bunches of sales..

Continuing with the commerce news..

I also have a huge package of the angel wings in both light and dark colors that I'm putting in the renderosity store.. if they pass testing I'll end up with my own store in there and I'll post the link to that if and when that happens.. here's some promo pictures for that combined set..








Here's a picture I made using the midnight pink wings.. click on it and the other pictures to get the full effect..

OK.. more on my commerce ....

I have the foxes at one store.. the link is here ..

I also have come up with some angel wings.. they went up in the store yesterday and the link for them is here ... They are angel wings that are in psd format and what, you may ask can you do with them?.. well this... for one (see below) .. lol.. The wings went in the store last night and I heard that there was a sale of one set already.. I also did some dark wings that will be in the store as well in the next day or so...

First off my MRI

I got word that I go in for my MRI the 2nd of February and I have to go back to the specialist on the 20th of February. So I'm moving forward with this at least. But that's not saying there is anything that the doctor can do for me. We'll have to wait and see.

Tried going for a tiny little walk yesterday.. only a 5 minute one but it's better than nothing as they say.

Well another year has started and I have begun the new year being put off work for a month by my doctor (guess she got tired of me going in and blubbering all over her examining table). I finally got in to see the specialist and he thinks it's more in my back than my hip.. maybe a pinched nerve.. he will know more once I get the MRI done. So I'm waiting impatiently for my letter from the hospital telling me when I can go in and have it done. Since I've been off and take the Demerol I feel a lot better, in fact sometimes I think that I should be able to go back to work.. but then I have a morning like this morning and my back and hip are giving me grief again... so what can I say.. life sucks sometimes.. but it could be worse..

Since I'm at home with time on my hands I've been designing some 2d items and getting them ready for market.. besides the foxes (which are in one small online store already) I have designed and am getting packaged up some angel wings.. I'll post the promo picture here once I have it all done up. I'm going to put them in a huge online store for 2d and 3d items called Renderosity. May only make a few dollars on them but I should be able to support my creative addiction with what I can make... lol..

Below is a picture that I created with some of my 3d items I purchased or won.. Pretty well all of the items, the character textures and morphs, the hair and the clothing I got from winning on line competitions so lately I've not had to buy too much for my Daz or Poser addiction..

In the last month or so I've won a half a dozen competions with the total prize amount in the hundreds of dollars in product.. too bad it isn't cold hard cash.. but at least it's saved me from spending lots of the cold hard stuff..

I have ventured into the land of commerce...

As per my last post, I have a new toy and I've been drawing foxes with it.. I got enough done, zipped them up, put a readme file with them and am going to sell them to the 2d world.. here are the promo pictures for them..

Merry Christmas to Me!!

Christmas is coming and it's that time of year when Ron and I get something for ourselves for our Christmas present. We don't buy for each other, we just buy something for ourselves that we want and call it a present.. lol.. works for us.

So we were in Future Shop and I spied a Wacom Bamboo Fun Digital Drawing Tablet and I knew that was my present. They had two sizes, a 4x6 and an 8x5 and I decided to go with the larger one. That particular one was $200 + after taxes and I'm in love.. lol.. here's a picture I drew with the tablet, my first of many I'm sure... it's from a tutorial I purchased a couple of months ago doing this with a computer mouse is hard if not impossible but was mundo easy with the drawing tablet. I know that I have a lonnnngg way to got to really perfect this but I'm quite proud of my first attempt.

Got the Animal Dilated Eye Look Goin' on...

I was in for my annual visit with the ophthalmologist today so I can't look directly at the screen right now.. lol.. He reminded me that it's been 17 + years since I was diagnosed with diabetes and so far (knock on wood) my eyes have not changed since the first photos that were taken way back then.. so that's good. I always take the day off for this particular treatment because I'm not able to drive afterward and working on the computer is out of the question also I tend to get a migraine from the strain of trying to get my dilated eyes to focus. So I'm off today and will be doing some sewing which is easier on the eyes.

I didn't put at tree up this year. It seems a waste because we always go to Amherst for Xmas eve and day and we are living in the country so we don't tend to get company way out here especially this time of year when the roads start to slicken up with snow and ice. Also with my sore hip it seemed like too much of an effort this year.

Ron found an unpleasant visitor snuggled up to him in bed the other night.. a RAT!!!! He flung it off the bed but the time he got the light turned on and got armed with a stick it was gone.. but the next day he caught one in the kitchen but again he wasn't able to find something to kill it with before it took off into the livingroom. He went into town and got all kinds of traps, an ugly looking one that we have to be sure that the cat and dog don't have access to and a sticky trap. Behind our kitchen stove was a hole chewed in the wall where the rat got out so he put the traps there to catch the rat and it turned out the sticky one was the one that did the trick. He "disposed" of it without me being there to see and I'm sure glad he's here because I'm afraid the rat or rats would have free rein of the place. He said that rats are really vicious when they're cornered... *shudder*. He had caught three mice before this rat and we used humane traps to catch and release them but the rat went DOWN.. We also got some of those sonic devices to hopefully prevent more mice or rats from coming into the house.. ahhh the joys of living in the country.

Well, I'm gonna start whining so if you don't wanna see it I would suggest you close this message (and it ain't a pretty sight so I don't blame you)..

As many of you know I have a problem with my hip, right leg and back because of sciatica. Well, I have been going to see a chiropractor because physiotherapy wasn't working and for a while it was working great.. now.. not so much..

Lately I'm in a lot of pain again, I find it hard to concentrate and I'm getting really bad headaches and my neck is constantly aching. Yesterday when I went back to the chiropractor he said that my right leg is starting to lose it's strength again and he checked out me neck and it turns out my neck is also out of alignment. I feel on the verge of tears most days and the depression is starting to set in again because I can't see an end in sight.

I see the specialist in two weeks time and if he tells me there is nothing they can do for me I'll have a big time pity party and you are all invited. I know there are other people in here that are suffering with chronic pain and some worse than me and I don't know how you cope day to day.. I know mine isn't life threatening like some in here who have coped amazingly well with what life has thrown at them.. But we are, after all, pretty self absorbed creatures and most times can't see beyond our little world of self indulgence, so I am wallowing for a while.

Most days I feel like a failure because I have been missing a lot of work again because of the pain. I can't take anti-inflammatories because I am allergic to them and so mostly I've been trying to cope without the aid of drug treatments. So if I'm quiet at times you will know what it's about..

If I didn't have my poser/3d creating to do and shut real life out I don't know what I'd do.. mostly I just want to crawl in a hole and hybernate most days...

So the whining is over for today.. thank you for listening/reading and you may go back to your regularly scheduled programming.. Kathryn

another day ... another pound...

They say you're not supposed to lose weight too fast but since this is only for two weeks, and I imagine some of it will come back once I start eating dairy, wheat and meats again, I'm not too worried.. I'm down to 178.6 this morning so that's three and a half pounds off in as many days.. I'm almost ashamed to admit that once I put my mind to losing weight my body just naturally loses without too much effort..

I got some corn flakes for my breakfast and so far so good.. I'm going to cook up a bunch of brown rice and vegetables today and portion them out and make up some lunches or dinners with them.. and along with the chili from the other day I should be able to make meals without having to worry about trying to come up with ideas for a week or so any way. I also have a big salad all prepared but I find I really don't care for salad in the colder months.. I like warm food that will stick to the old ribs... that's from when we were kids and would have to walk to school in the winter.. had to have a belly full of warm food to keep you going.. lol

My big goal is to get as much weight as possible off my body so that it will hopefully relieve my hip and possibly avoid having surgery... also if I get walking (shut up David.. I knew you were right all the time.. just didn't want to admit it!).. then the muscles will build up and make the hip more stable.. We can all dream..

Plus my doctor will be happy because my diabetes is improving already (and you gotta keep your doctors happy right... doesn't matter if I'm happy... phhhhtttt)... yeah... as if...

I've started a cleansing...

I've decided to do a 2 week cleansing. I'm not going the pop a pill route but decided to do it by eliminating certain foods from my diet. In doing so I should rid my body of certain foods that are known to cause the body to overwork to process them.

For these two weeks there will be no meats, no sugar, no wheat and no dairy. I know, what does that leave?.. Well, not a lot, but I can hack it for the next two weeks and then I'm back on the weight watchers again. I had gained back almost half of what I took off (at least it wasn't all back on : / ).. but I was feeling just worn out and tired all the time. So I was back up to 182 from the 170 or so that I was at before the dreaded "hip incident!!". But considering it's been almost a year with no exercise and eating to find comfort when I was suffereing it wasn't too bad.

So as far as what I can eat, I got some vanilla soya milk to replace the dairy, some soya faux hamburger and lots and lots of different types of beans to replace the meat, some corn flour bread and some rice pasta to replace the wheat. On top of that I am eating lots of fruit and vegetables plus rice and potatoes so lots and lots of fiber!!!! I thought that I'd be full of gas and bloated because of all the fiber and beans but so far so good. And I've lost 3 pounds so far and it's been only three days. I can live with this for two weeks and I must admit the chili I made yesterday with kidney beans and black beans was to die for... mmmm.. and it sticks to the ribs.
I wouln't want to become a vegetarian or something but I must admit since I've been without those foods my mind is a lot clearer and I do have more energy. Will keep you posted on how I do.