I was at the doctor's office on Monday and the news isn't as bad as I had expected. Although my blood pressure is up, my blood sugars are up [although still in the normal range but high normal] and my weight is up the doctor told me it's not too late if I apply myself. I don't understand what's motivating me to sabotage my health at every turn?? I know what to do, I have the medications to do it and a year ago I had my life in control, the weight was coming off and my health was the best it had been in years. Now, I'm in a pit I can't get out of it seems. I put back almost 20 of the 40 or so pounds that I had taken off. I have been sneaking junk food at every opportunity. It's like a slow suicide and I don't know how to snap out of it. I'm in a constant state of indigestion because the medication I'm on to slow down my appetite is doing it's job but I'm not listening to my body. I eat junk food and I get extreme indigestion, then I snack on Tums at every turn instead of restricting what I eat and how much. It's not rocket science.
Three months ago I was at the doctor for my check-up and was told I was doing so great but in my mind that was not how I was doing. I had started down the slippery slope around Christmas time. I was eating sweets multiple times a day. I was depending on the medication to take care of my mistakes and apparently it was. So I can actually remember thinking to myself that no matter how bad I treat my body, the medication will right the wrongs. If that isn't a form of insanity I don't know what is.
So I thought that all the years of counselling, both private and group, and the introspection, picking apart my brain to see what makes me tick would yield some insight to my inner workings but it appears I'm as much a mystery now as I always had been.
I apologize to all of you that might have come to my blog looking to be entertained... hopefully I'll snap out of this funk soon and I can get back to being my positive, wise cracking self.
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